Monthly Archives: October 2019

Settling for a life of Mediocrity

Since July 2017 after my horrible breakup with Beelinda, gusto ko icheckup sarili ko once a year.

Last year, nagsulat ako about anniversary namin ni Nikia.

Ngayon, akalain mo 2 years na kami ni Nikia! Bait nga niya eh siya yung partially na nag sponsor ng OnePlus 7 ko!

So, self, kamusta ka naman ngayon?

Hmmmm, well, self, Ok-ish parin ako kay Nikia. Ok na hindi. Gusto na ayaw na. Ganon. Not sure if ako lang nagkaka feelings na ganto. I love the company she provides. As usual, bait padin niya sa mga kapatid at parents ko, at sagot din niya pagpapalinis ng ngipin ko.

Lately, parang namomroblema siya. Dati free parking ako, ngayon dami niya visitors napapabayad tuloy ako.

Actually ako din nagkaka problema parang kay HoPe noon kaya Ok-ish lang ako. Alam mo yung comfort zone ko si HoPe noon? Back then I felt that I needed to let go to grow, and I deeply regretted it initially. Pero ngayon mas ‘mature‘(?) na ako and I realized I guess I needed makipag break kay HoPe, ayawan si Stellanini, iwanan ni Ana, at isexually harass ni Beelinda para mameet ko si Nikia.

Ewan ko ba, si Beelindakasi noon trip na trip pwet ko. Sa araw araw na nagkikita kami lagi niyang sinasabi ‘Ass of U and Me’. Pretty sure if I say that to a co-worker I’ll get reprimanded, probably fired, not impossibly jailed. Mejo naka move on naman ako sa trauma na caused ni Beelinda, pero at times nagttrigger siya, minsan natatawa nalang ako minsan nalulungkot na nasapit ko yun sa kanya. Hello, di ako maka move on sa relationship ko 10 years ago ito pa kayang 2 years ago lang tapos pain and suffering lang sinapit ko. But I digress.

Ngayon, same as with everytime I am in my life after two years, may feelings na parang ayaw ko na. Two years kami ni HoPe, below two years kami ni 10 years ago, below two years kami ni Ex. Para akong Spam na may 2 year expiration date (yes yes canned goods have 2-5 years expiration date).

Torn parin ako eh. On one hand, similar to HoPe baka iregret ko na umalis. Sayang yung benefits na bigay ni Nikia and yung kaluwagan niya, but then again nameet ko si Nikia due to me leaving HoPe, pero this hand is the hand that stays with Nikia. On the other hand, nahihirapan nadin ako on some days with Nikia eh. Ganto kasi, sobrang talino ni Nikia. Like ang dami niyang alam. Mga 154 years of knowledge yung alam niya. Recently lang naman siya nag aral about telecomms pero ang vast. Kahit two years na kami I feel like hindi ko parin siya maintindihan. I understand the need to add responsibilityies dahil two years na kayo, pero parang lagi akong kulang. Parang hindi ko mameet expectations niya sakin. Tinry ko naman aralin pero wala talaga eh. Bigla kang tatanungin ng something na hindi mo alam tas ayun mafefeel mo ang bobo mo. At least kay HoPe and Ana alam ko gagawin and I welcome new stuff. Pero kay Nikia I still feel overwhelming me incompetent most of the time. And nakakadepress yun. Well, at the very least, unlike Beelindahindi niya ipapa mukha sayong bobo ka via 1 hour sermon. (G NA G FOREVER).

Next question is, anong gagawin ko if mag break kami ni Nikia? A few months ago, may FB ad na nag pop-up, may free Pilot Training daw CebPac! Tapos naalala ko childhood dream ko yun. So since wala naman mawawala sakin nag apply ako. Kahit na alam ko na I am too old, short, fat, ugly, short-sighted to be a pilot.

So ayun literally today (10/17/2019), nakatanggap ako ng email, to no one’s surprise hindi ako napili hahaha. So my ningas-kugon pilot dream ay wala na.

May filipino saying na ‘kung gusto may paraan kung ayaw maraming dahilan‘. Sabihin mo sakin ‘May ibang ways naman para mag pilot’. To you I say, yes there are. I e-mailed tons of Flight training schools. All of them costs minimum of Php2Million pesos. And most, if not all, require 20/20 eyesight, and not even all guarantees na mahihire ka after grumaduate. Malaki kasi Php2Million para sa akin. Hindi ako kasing yaman mo, retired na din tatay ko. Mag loan ng Php2Million? Tapos pag wala akong work after 2 years pano na? Pano ko babayaran yung Php2Million? Eh kung ininvest ko nalang yung Php2Million diba edi sana magka Php200Million ako in 5 years! #FinanciallyIlliterate

I am currently at an impasse now. I am a man with no yearnings for greatness. Ok na ako sa mediocrity. And is that really a bad thing? This is a reason kaya ayoko magka anak. Ayoko ng responsibility. ‘Eh being a Pilot responsible ka sa lives ng marami’ siyempre had I become one my view would change. Also hello parental and pilotal/work responsibility are NOT THE SAME. Pero ngayon. Ok na akong maging grunt. Wala akong yearning na maging Manager and above. Masaya na ako na tell me what to code and I will code it adequately. Hindi ko alam if ako lang yung may feelings na ganito. Yung walang managerial aspirations. I mean if I will stay with Nikia or find someone like Nikia, gusto ko ganon lang nag cocode lang no managing people just code code code. If lahat destined for greatness, sino yung gagagwa ng low-level work para ma ensure na dekalidad yung vision mo?

So ano take away ng post na ito? Hmmm wala. Unlike 2 years ago na nag Starting Over Again ako, from pag susupporta ng mga operation nina HoPe, Ana, at Beelinda. Ineensure ko na dekalidad yung sistema kasama ni Nikia.

At last year yung post ko sabi ko wag matakot kasi may Lina naman.

Ngayon wala hahahaha. I realized and accept that I have no aspirations for greatness and mediocrity will be my life. Depressing but it is what it is. Ika nga ng ibang Catholic friends ko ‘Be thankful na may trabaho ka, yung iba walang trabaho’. HA HA HA