I have always fancied writing. As everything in my life is though, I am a failure as one. But today, I abscond the English language and express (mostly) in to my native tongue as I feel it better expresses how I feel. Una sa lahat. An adage from our country. Bato bato sa langit tamaan huwag magalit. Ito ay isang kwento tungkol sa aking mga relasyong pag-ibig.
Hindi ako gwapo/talentado/matalino. The latter, I am average at best. Single ako ngayon and I have been for quite some time now pero masaya ako. Wala lang, gusto ko lang magsulat. Haha. Ako din kasi nameet ko na si ‘The One’ pero binalewala ko. Thinking na I could have someone better. Three relationships later. Wala kulelat. Ngayon masayang masaya na siya, ang laki nang Pinagbago niya, pero ako ito. Nasa bahay ng magulang kasama ang Pomeranian kong si Tyra pati si Zelda.
Nagsimula ang lahat ng paunlakan ni Hope ang aking imbitasyon. Mejo anxious pa ako sa initial date namin noon kasi first ko siya eh. Wala akong ka alam alam sa mundo ng pakikipagrelation, Pero confident ako, amidst my minor anxiety, I knew I did well sa first date natin. Sinagot mo ako after ilang dates pa and dun nag start lahat. Masaya ako noon kasi ang dami kong natutunan kay Hope. Looking back, I wish I could have done more nung first months natin kasi during the latter part of our relationship, na realize ko how much easier everything could have been. Marami akong ‘Ahhh ganon pala yon’ moments na sana alam ko noon. After a year, ayan dun ko na feel na nag pprogress tayo kasi doon ko naramdaman yung trust mo sa akin. I valued the trust you gave me and I was sure to make the most of it and make you feel na tama ang desisyon mo sa akin. Life was great until nagging greedy ako. Fast forward to another year, mejo na disappoint ako kasi mukhang ko wala tayong future, I knew I was doing good but what you showed me was not enough. I wanted more for the future and eventually, nag break tayo at naghanap ako ng iba. Ang yabang ko kasi. Akala ko pogi ako tapos hindi pala.
At this particular moment in time medyo nag reregret ako na nag break tayo pero I know tama yung decision ko.
Ako yung lalakeng ayaw mabakante. Gusto ko lagi may ka relationship ako. Nag ti-Tinder ako non araw araw. Kaya nung nag match si Stellanini, I aggressively pursued her until sagutin niya ako, without making any extra effort to know her. As much as I initially liked her. Wala ehhh. Nabulag lang ako sa kagandahan. Tas wala naman pala. Sobrang saglit lang ng relationship namin. Breezy boy/girl relationship. Nung na realize ko kasi na wala tayong future at uncomfortable lang tayo sa setup natin sa isat isa ayun nakipagbreak nanaman ako kasi nga sobrang gwapo ko.
After the breakup with Stellanini. Ayan I resolved to be Happy. Di ko na inisip future ko. What I wanted was to be in a stable relationship na masaya ako at comfortable ako sa setup. At sa di sinasadyang pagkakataon, na para bang ika’y nilalaro ng panahon. Dumating siya buhay ko. Si Ana. Unexpected yun. How did you know ang peg. Naglalakad lang ako sa mall noon. Window shopping ganern. Tas nabangga kita. Dun kita nakilala. I shouldn’t be even in that mall kasi di naman talaga ako mall person pero ayun. Nag meet tayo. We really hit it off. Unang date natin, sabi mo not looking for relationship ka (I’m probably going to get feminist triggered here), pero pinursue parin kita. Alam kong may something special satin. Hindi na ako nag paalam manligaw, instead, I just showed you what kind of person I am. And when I felt the time was right, ayun, tinanong kita mala typical Pinoy show ang peg ‘Ano ba tayo?’ Nag blush siya and I told her how I felt. Thank God mutual yung feeling and it was amazing. Nung unang araw na naging tayo grabe na excite ako kasi I felt that it was Hope all over again but much better. I had lunch with you and your friends the first day and we really hit it off as well. Nagulat din ako kasi halos lahat ng friends mo is may kamukha mula sa life ko. Pinsan, schoolmate, workmate. Halos lahat may kamukha. Wannabe ng Spice Girls ang peg. Ka click ko friends mo. I was so happy. I felt I belonged. Na excite ako sa buhay ko and it resulted in me wanting to be better. First thing was to be healthier. Anainspired me to be better and I did. I got complacent sa sarili ko but Ana made me look at myself. She motivated and pushed me further so far as to losing almost 15lbs. It was such a mutual and loving relationship that I planned to be with her forever. Until she decided na ayaw na niya sakin. Like an RKO outta nowhere. Nakatanggap ako ng liham mula sa kanya noon. Sinabi niya na ayaw na niya amd it was devastating. Parang fatality ng mortal kombat na kinuha yung puso ko tas winasak.
I tried to talk to her. To her parents. To her friends. I wanted to know why. She did give me a reason. Gusto niya mag migrate and ayaw nya LDR. Better to leave me now than later pa. And it hurt like hell. Sobrang sakit but what can I do. I tried everything humanely possible to no avail I even created a short movie on how much she meant to me but wala na talaga. Before I let her go, I sent her a long goodbye email. Something I never did with my past relationships. It was a letter to thank her for everything she has done for me.
I was in a rough spot then. Ehh pag nanjan ako, Breezy mode activate yan kinokontak ko lahat ng babae sa phonebook ko, siyempre nag Tinder din pero ika nga ni Peter Griffin You could find someone else but this seems a little easier coz you already have her number. Ha ha ha. After I hundreds of texts I got a reply from Natalee. Si Natalee ay isang babaeng nameet ko bago si Stellanini. Rineto siya sakin ni Jenna noon. Ok sana yung dates namin pero Beelinda decided to pick someone else that time pero nag break din sila. Now that Beelinda was single I made moves. Since ok ung previous dates namin noon, it just felt like a continuation like Victoria and Ted from How I Met Your Mother. And since Jenna approved naman why not coconut mode si acoe.
Sinagot niya ako agad sobrang bilis. Pero damn. Kung anong bilis ng ligaw stage ganon ding bilis ng pagbagsak. This is a case na both parties mali. Diko alam expectations niya sakin. Di ko alam setup na gusto niya. Di niya sinabi. Diko inalam. And everything went wrong the very first day. First date namin after niya ako sagutin damn she was late and when she arrived it felt like forever. Mejo napagod ako. And unlike Ana and Hope, hell even Stellanini, Beelinda was the worst first date. Alam mo ung first date palang malalaman mo na kung jive or hindi? Hindi ko naramdaman yun kay Beelinda. Kay Stellanini naramdaman ko pa na pwede eh pero waley kay Beelinda. Things started to falter further when she started nagging me. Ayoko pa naman ng ganon. Yung putang inang lahat pinupuna. Yung laruan ko sa kotse. Yung cellphone na gusto kong bilin. Yung flavor ng MilkTea na gusto ko, pati ba naman brand ng T-shirt ko pinapakialaman. Lagi nalang may deregatory side comment. Damn. I know na concerned lang siya sa akin pero grabe naman kasi ung nag factor nya. Worst was naalala ko noon. Ang work mo was 1 tricycle away and we are living like 15kms from each other, mas malayo pa yung work ko. For one month noon, araw araw kang nag pahatid sundo. Holy shit. I’m sounding like a complainer here and I probably am. Gets ko naman if you need me to fetch you. Pero araw araw? Seryoso? Uwian mo pa 5pm tas 1 trike away lang Papag travelin moko ng 20+km to drive you 2km from work to home?? Expect mo kasi mag Cavalier through ako kasi fan ako ni Lebron?? The hell. Dagdag mo pa yung constant nagging mo when I get late. Yung naghahanap nalang talaga ng rason mapagalitan lang ako.
Eventually hindi ko na kinaya yung halos daily na pag nag sakin ni Beelinda. Yung mag eeffort ka na puntahan siya tapos papagalitan lang ako. Beelinda drained me of my joy. I know its bad to compare but you have to understand its inhumane to be verbally abused disguised as concern for every single day. Natakot at napagod ako sa kanya. Everyday I wake up, hoping today will be different. Today, I will show her how much I love her pero diko magawa kasi kahit anong gawin ko yung mali ko lagi nyang pinupuna. I can’t remember what it was but there was a straw that broke the camels back. I ultimately decided na ayoko na. Na I don’t deserve to be treated like this. Naiyak ako not because nag break kami but how everything with Beelinda turned out. Worse was alam mo kung gano ako nasaktan kay Ana. Alam mo ung pinagdaanan at hinanakit ko kasi first date natin nung ligaw stage sinabi ko na sayo shortcomings ko sinabi ko sayo hangganan ko. But binalewala mo lahat. Alam mong I was feeling down and I was hoping you to be source of inspiration to move forward pero hindi ehh pinaramdam mo sakin na pangit, untalented, at bobo ako. And no one deserves to be in a toxic relationship like this. I tried to tell you how I felt everytime you berated me but did you listen? No. You continued your concern-disguised nagging and I just to quote kidz these days ‘I kennat’. I know lots of people have it worse than me pero sila yun. If they can power through the worst of relationships, aba good for them. I’m not built as strong but I don’t think that makes me less of a person if I decided to give up.
Beelinda made me re-evaluate. Sobrang trauma ko sa kanya naisip ko… Baka naman kasi di naman pala talaga babae para sakin sa isang relationship. Baka iba para sakin. Ganon kalala ang relationship namin that I had to think of this. I have been single for quite some time now but I continue to search for my true love. Baka ngayon, for me to find the right relationship, kelangan ko mag Starting Over Again. I know na malapit na siya. Onting intay nalang… And once I do I intend to be a better person for her or him kung di talaga ako straight. Hahahaha
Sa ngayon maraming salamat Hope, Stellanini, Ana and Beelinda. I know our paths will never cross again but I will never forget you for molding me to who I am today. An overweight, average, not Philippine parlanced attractive person.
Kung may marereto kayo sakin na relationship, sabihin niyo lang. Single ako. Handa akong magsimula ulit sa umpisa. Hence Starting Over Again.HAHAHAHA